my brain in black and white

It's time I started to write this all down, what's happening to me, what's happening in my head. If I don't start putting things in writing, no one will ever see all the thoughts that have been coursing through my head, no one will ever understand.

My to-do list is yards long, and I keep losing track with each new treatment of what's been done, what still needs doing. A few days after a treatment, I try to organize things, but I can't stay focused on one project long enough to finish it. It took me all afternoon to pull my videos and beanie babies and put them boxes for Saturday's garage sale.

The chemo brain is much different with this treatment regimen than it was with the first one. Days 1-5 after a systemic treatment, I can barely think my way out of an open paper bag. Then the lack of focus seems to kick in and out randomly for the next 10 days. Then I'm back to no focus at all. And I'm not sure yet whether the chemo brain effects are worse after FUDR plus irinotecan, or after irinotecan alone.

BTW, you get FUDR and irinotecan for advanced colorectal cancer, specifically metastatized to the liver. I was diagnosed at the end of April, 2004. Prior to this regimen, I took 15 cycles of Avastin/Leucovorin/5-FU--until the doctors at Memorial Sloan Kettering decided that maybe they could chance operating on my liver and primary tumor. David Crosby drank his liver to death, and he got a whole new one. I did all the right things, but a liver transplant is not an option in advanced CRC due to the high levels of recurrence. Saying that 'life is not fair' doesn't even begin to describe this.